Scientists: What A Bunch of Weirdos

Yesterday was a big day in the world of Science, and by big, I mean huge. It was the day for the Higgs Boson announcement.

So, okay, um, pretend my finger is gravity, and, um, my other finger is, er, a battleship... wait

If you’re not sure why that might be a big deal then let me explain. Some scientists in the physics community have hated Einstein for years, decades even. They have worked as hard as possible to help disprove his theories of special and general relativity and in the past few months, have taken it to a new level.

Yes, those feeble minds have been taking it on faith that he is wrong, and have been thinking that way since the thirties. Why? Well for the obvious reason is that if his theories are correct, then quantum theory has to be wrong… of course the great paradox of modern physics is that both theories have been shown to be correct to the extent of our abilities to test them. However, they contradict one another.

First, the anti-Einsteinians fabricated that giant hubbub about FTL neutrinos. Now a race is underway to duplicate the results of the experiments that turned out those bizarre results. All I have to say about that is, if correct, that would also invalidate quantum theory as well. So don’t expect those new results to confirm the old

So, what did those bastards do next? They had to have this big press conference yesterday where they went on and on about finding the Higgs boson. What is that? Well, it’s quantum theory’s lame attempt to explain the existence of gravity. It isn’t a curvature of spacetime like what Einstein described, oh no, it’s these little force carriers (hence the term, boson) that gives all matter in the universe its mass.

Einstein also debated physics with Richard Nixon... and maybe smoked a lot of pot

I know, stupid, right?

Anyway, this big conference is held, most of the world’s scientific media is there for the announcement that they found it. The Higgs is real! The Higgs is real! They start discussing all their results and finally the lower the bombshell… they have found the Higgs Boson.

Maybe. Well, actually, no, they haven’t found a thing, but you know, it might be there.

Because really, they aren’t sure, they need another year to see. So that’s it, that is the big announcement. A big whomping maybe. I think those relativity deniers need to go back to the drawing board and come up with something good and quit trying to make up whatever comes to mind and announcing it as a big fact. I mean, the press conference ended with a standing ovation for crying out loud… They didn’t find out anything new!*

Here is my attempt at reproducing a similarly absurd press conference in another setting.

“Thank you for coming, I’m sure you’re all eagerly awaiting the results of a great discovery in our Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. As you know, we’ve been looking for signs of radio signals from the stars that show signs of non-human intelligence in the wider universe. Today, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve had a surprising and thrilling result in our search.”

<insert 40 minutes of history of SETI, lots of charts, graphs and technical data>

“Today, we stand before you, my team and I, and proudly announce that we can finally say with a high degree of certainty, that if there are intelligent beings living on plant Gliese 22b, then we can’t find them. Thank you, have a nice day.”

Big whoop.

Sigh. I hope everyone understands that the above is all tongue in cheek. Finding the Higgs boson would actually be a pretty big deal. It isn’t called the ‘God particle’ for nothing**. If there is ever a hope for artificial gravity, real artificial gravity, not the kind that is contingent on centripetal force, then it would come from manipulating the Higgs field, er, that’s the magical theoretical field that allows the bosons to work.

So, I love my science, but I’ve never been a huge fan of quantum theory where it overlaps with relativity, it’s very inelegant and doesn’t offer a lot of insight. So I’m honestly not sure what to make of this should it turn out to be true.

Sorry Einstein, the world is against you.

* Yes they did

**Yes it is.

Where Did Monday Come From?

I don't mean the origin of the word, which I find fascinating, and for a while at least, dominated my twitter stream. What I want to know is: how did it get to be Monday already?

Einstein once famously explained relativity by saying a hand on a hot stove for a moment can seem like an hour, and an hour with a beautiful woman can seem like an moment. In the same way, weekends, although two days long, generally go much faster than I'd like. Relativity again. It's science, and it sucks.

Anyhow, I've been debating (again) why I'm blogging, as I've become crappier and crappier at responding to comments, and of course, have found my writing time slashed to nearly nothing, as well as my time visiting others.

Sigh. Stupid time again. So, sorry everyone. I do read everyone's comments and appreciate them. I respond to some via email, but not everyone has that feature enabled. But I'm inconsistent and often miss things.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, Mondays. They suck. I have anecdotal evidence (i.e., me) that a person is only really good for about 30 hours or so of real, quality work in a given week. At least for the kind of work I do. So, I propose that the powers that be, without changing my salary, allow me to not work Mondays.

And I hope, for all that is good in this world, that they never read my blog.

Oh, I tweaked my logo, anyone notice?