IWSG: The Blogfader

Hi all, it's been a while since I was here. But it's IWSG, brought to you by the indomitable Alex J Cavanaugh, whose dreams of a day where writers can blubber about all that scares them have come true, at least on the first Wednesday of each month.

This month, like every month, I'm really interested in talking about me. But instead of discussing my never complete manuscripts, or my paralyzing fear of rejection, I wanted to talk about a thing that I think is real, except I don't recall where I heard it from, so it's at least possible I made it up:

Blogfade

It's a term I made up (if you think it's a cool term, if you think it's lame, then I'm just borrowing it - I heard it elsewhere) to describe people like me who just sort of slow down blogging to the point that they're sort of fading into the night.

I'd complained for a very long time about the real world keeping me away from the interwebs for so long that it's tough for me to visit anyone nowadays. But the truth of the matter is that I think I'm at a spot right now where I probably could start blogging again.

But I haven't.

Like a lot of things, I have choices to make with my time. I've dreamt of being a big-shot author for a long time now. I talked about writing for many years before I actually wrote, and it's been about 10 since I wrote my first draft of a novel (A novel, btw, the blog is named after).

And about 5 years ago I decided I was really close to being a super-famous author and decided to start this blog. And in that time I managed to self-publish a few short stories, have one or two appear in the occasional anthology, and that's about it.

I started this as an investment. In a belief that I could commit to this and just make it part of who I am. Now, I'm starting to think this is the sort of thing that I just won't be keeping up for much longer.

I'm going to try to pick it back up. But it's there in the back of my mind, that one day I'll look up and it will have been a year since I posted, or two, or ten. It makes me sad. Especially since I'm not exactly moving on to bigger things.

So, wish me luck.

IWSG: July 2014: I've Invented Time Travel

I haven't posted since mid-May. Wow. Time flies. Let's see if I can remember how to do this.

Back when Geocities was futuristic and AOL was the only internet most Americans knew of, Alex J Cavanaugh dreamed of giving writers across the globe access to therapy. It took a while for technology to catch up with his vision, but now, nearly a century later, here we are.

I watched that movie with Tom Cruise a few weeks ago. The one that's half Groundhog Day and half Saving Private Ryan and half Halo (the video game) and it made me dream of having that do over button that the movie explored so well.

I mean, the do over button is getting killed, so it's not easy, and there's that interpretation of quantum theory that states that we're all immortal (don't ask, it's weird). So it occurs to me that I actually have do over button. I write down words. Those words suck. I get to delete them and try again. And keep writing and deleting and writing those words until I get them right.

It's like I've actually invented time-travel. So, the conundrum: How do you know when you've accomplished the mission? As time has gone on, that has increasingly become my dilemma. I've become stuck in a cycle of writing and rewriting, much like Tom Cruise, and Bill Murray before him.

I'm trapped.

Happy IWSG day, guys.

IWSG - the World is Ending... I'm Calling Time Out

I'm not going to lie about this. I'm in a hurry today. The winds of change in my personal life are blowing and I'm having to discover a new routine for posting and such. Right now, I've not been doing much internety things.

But, this is the one day a month that Alex J Cavanaugh has given us, through the Insecure Writer's Support Group, to vent about all our troubles and woes and not have to worry about people thinking we're whiney, we're supposed to be whiney today. All of you trying to encourage others on your own blogs are starting to make me feel bad, so make up some troubles if you have your act together, just to make me feel better about myself. You know, misery loving company and all that.

Anyway, this month, I want to take just a moment to talk about my latest meltdown, which is this: I'll never be good enough.

It would take me way too long to get into all the details of how I went down this rabbit hole of self pity and doubt, but needless to say, that's where I'm at. I feel kinda like Michael Jordan when he quit basketball to pursue life as a baseball player. Not that I had this other field I'm so great in that I left, but that he was one of the most notoriously hard workers on the planet, but no matter how much work he put into it, he just couldn't will himself into being a major league baseball player.

And all that work he was putting into developing his skills of a baseball player, well, it was described like thing: If he were on your company softball team, you would think he's he greatest ever. But put him on a team with other major league prospects, and you begin to see that he's missing something.

Ah Ha! That's me. I've spent a decade obsessing about the craft - in spite the of fact that the comma is a still a mystery to me - and I think back to Michael Jordan, yes, I can shoot 1000 free throws per day just like he did when he played basketball, but there is not training I can do that will give me hands large enough to wrap halfway around a basketball, or to jump so high that I'm in danger of hitting my head against the rim when I leap.

Those are things that someone is born with. I wonder if writing is the same way sometimes. Yes, I can learn to plot a decent story, but that won't make me great.

And that's my rant, my fear, to put it more succinctly, is that as good as I can ever dream of being, won't be enough to ever make me the writer I want to be. Period. And as such, well, I don't know. Don't judge me. It's my free day.

IWSG - It's February! What The..?

The great Alex J Cavanaugh once dreamt of a world where folks like me, the unstable, wishy washy, highly sensitive writer could vent their fears into the world without fear of reproach. Yes, that’s the same Alex J Cavanaugh whose novel, CassaFire, is just $.99 this week.  

 

As for me, I’ve been waist deep in revisions for some time now. I’ve been piddling with this story for a few years now – and complaining about it for almost as long.

 

The reason I’ve been mired in endless revisions, which show no sign of ending, is that I have hit upon a story that I like. I mean, that I really like. So I keep rereading and tweaking things over and over again in hopes that it will be to other people, all the things it is to me. Which is great.

 

But with that, I think, comes a whole new level of insecurities. I’ve been trickling out short stories for a couple of years now, just tossing them out when I feel like I’m not really going to find a better home for them.

 

But this, this is different, this is my heart and soul, and a (intermittently at least) a few years of my life. Not constantly working on it, but constantly worrying about it. If this is the best that I can do right now, then any less than stellar rating I get for it will be a reflection of me, as an artist, as a human being, and as someone that spent a few years working on a thing that will most likely be met with a collective shrug from the world.

 

So I’m pensive, nervous, and am procrastinating. Latest target for overall readiness…. End of March. We’ll see how I feel about it then.

 

IWSG... It's 2014 Edition

In case any of you have forgotten what this little gem called The Insecure Writer's Support Group, is. Once upon a time, Alex J Cavanaugh had an idea that for once a month, we writers can tear off our masks of normality and reveal to the world all of our insecurities in a judgment free day of whinery.

It tends to be my favorite day of the month.

And although I can't hope to ever, ever, come close to reading everyone's posts on any given month. I do read as much as I can, and I find, generally speaking, that I'm disappointed in you all.

Why? Because, increasingly, I feel like I'm the only one what has real issues. Everyone else takes that time to just encourage one another. You know, 'Perk up, little trooper. It's going to be okay."

I want people down here in the mud, with me. Whining about how they suck and will never be anything other than a fraud, about how you've been neglecting your family and they deserve better, and how it's only by a thread that you manage to not call it quits each day. And how it's only because of some inner demon that you continue on anyway.

And if you don't feel that way. You should totally lie about it. It would make me feel so much better. Because I look around and see all these people who are so damned self-assured and I can't figure out what my problem is. Misery has been known, in the past, to enjoy the company of others. And increasingly, I feel alone here.

So, come on, people. Be miserable with me!

Okay, I'm kidding... mostly. I really don't want folks to feel bad about themselves. I do, honestly, feel like a fraud most of the time. But I get the feeling that feeling will haunt me no matter what I do in life. I've learned to deal with it.

So, perk up people, it'll be okay.

Back on the IWSG Bandwagon!

Way back in the early days of the internet, Alex J Cavanaugh created the Insecure Writers Support Group. Since those early days, it has grown in size to nearly be as popular as Google itself. It’s also a time when I get to vent about all my issues without fear of judgment.

I took a few months off from posting this summer (and lost my coveted spot on the linky list), but it was a good time away. The best part is that I have spent tons more time with the family. So, good times all around.

Anyway, I’ve actually had a hard time articulating the cause of my most recent panic attack – whatever that may be. So instead or rewriting this post for the fifth time, I’ll lament how poorly educated my fellow Americans are with this Astronomy quiz. How well would you have done?

Galaxy 500? Was that guy serious? Sheesh.

Blither Me This... An IWSG Post

Once, in the early days of internetonia, Alex J Cavanaugh created the Insecure Writer's Support Group, the one day out of the month that I can whine and complain about whatever writing related issues I have without fear of judgement.

This month, it's time management that gets me riled up. I've whined about this one before, but it does cause me great concern. I simply can't function as a father/husband and do all the peripheral things that would-be authors are expected to do. Especially when my job decided that I needed way more work to do on a daily basis.

Instead of acknowledging these things and having a plan. I half-ass all of them and hope no one calls me on it. It's burnt me on more than one occasion.

So what to do? I have no idea. I want to do it all, and have been reluctant to cull back on my commitments in some vague hope that I'll just 'figure something out' and not have to give up anything. But the first step in solving a problem is admitting one exists. Wish me luck.

IWSG - March 2013 Edition!

Hey all! It's that time again. Alex J Cavanaugh has created the Insecure Writer's Support Group. It's that magical time where I get to vomit my issues onto the internet - guilt free. Thanks Alex!

I, as always, have poorly planned my post. It's funny, you'd think I'd quit being surprised every month when it's time for this. Regardless, I am taking a month off from complaining about all my issues just to say this:

It's hard to be great if you don't write anything down. So get back at it.

IWSG - Feb 2013

Alex J Cavanaugh's brilliant dream of giving the writing world a guilt-free opportunity to vent about their fears and frustrations is back again. And this time, it's personal.

Actually, I've been busily writing my short story for Andrew Leon's Imagination Room contest (which has a deadline of today) and I'd hope to post along with this, but as it turns out, the short story isn't ready. So I'll have it ready before midnight's deadline I hope and post it then... please, wish me luck.

Because I've had something like a month to work on it and it's still not ready. It's a combination of procrastination, which is a real thing, not something I just made up, and this paralyzing need to keep changing things.

For example, I wrote a two person story. I had a flash last night that I need a third major character. I immediately thought of how to weave his person in, what their role would be, how it would help things... and I would do it if I had more time.

Of course, my other stories don't have such deadlines, so I do the same with them, I just keep on tinkering with them, never really finishing them. To this point, I've found two ways of dealing with the problem I have:

1) Arbitrarily calling them finished whether they need more work or not, or...

2) Embracing my problem, and just never finishing a story.

That's about it. I have found it easier to call it done with shorter stories, but once something hits 2500 words or so it starts getting really tough for me to leave it alone.

So, that's me. I appreciate your time.

A Late IWSG Post... AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The great Alex J Cavanaugh has given us a noble task of venting all our writerly neurosis onto the world on the first Wednesday of each month. I, as part of my new year’s resolution, decided to be more awesome this year, actually that was my only resolution. I’m already on pace to brush my teeth more often and I parted my hair for work today. Oh, I also did ALL the dirty laundry yesterday. So, I can pretty much mark off my resolution as mission accomplished for 2013.

 

Where was I? Oh, well, we’ll just call the fact that this post did not go up this morning as my first big oopsie of the year. See, I got my days a bit mixed up. I thought internet-wise that today was Tuesday (in the real world, I knew it was Wednesday – there is a downside to the ability to compartmentalize, leads to contradictory beliefs).

 

So anyway, all that aside, today is my day to vent. Ready?

 

I haven’t written a word of fiction since October.

 

Nothing. Nada. What have I been doing. Well, outlining, breaking down my WIP into small chunks and carefully reviewing each scene. Nominally, I hope to make it better. Really, I’m stalling. I have to change my ‘about me’ page to reflect my self-published novella coming out later than I said it would. I’ve just not done a thing.

 

And that’s weird to me, I was on quite a roll I think for a lot of the year. My actual wordcount may not have been ridiculously high for the year, but I did write something in the neighborhood of a dozen stories – I’d say on average about 5k words per. I liked them all, more or less. I did leave a few unfinished, but for the most part, I didn’t leave many things undone.  

 

Then it all came to a screeching halt. Not just writing, but everything related to it. I didn’t think of it at the time, but if I were get all analytical with myself, I think I had a crisis around the time I hit 40. I realized that I’m getting older, I’ve got a family that I’ve been neglecting, and job that is getting more and more demanding with each passing day, and quite honestly, I’m not sure my level of craft is good enough to warrant continuing to spend so much time dedicating towards it.

 

So, I don’t decide anything, I just flounder about and hope I’m hit with a flash of inspiration that allows me to be better at everything, and have more time to do everything. I’m hoping that talking about it gets it all out of my system and I can move forward.

 

Wish me luck on that.