Year in Review - Before Christmas!

Yes, most people save their best of lists for the week after Christmas, well, I'll try to have a real one (or two) next week, but for now. Just a few thoughts about the year in review.

Just a thought about the year, for me, it's been a year of trivia. One of the things that makes me born to be a writer, and an amazing conversationalist, is my encyclopedic knowledge of trivia. Not for the sake of anything except for the fact that I love knowing stuff. Not real knowledge of course, you know, like how to fix a car or fix a leaky faucet, but knowledge like knowing rhubarb really means 'barbarian food from near that river in Russia'. 

What else did learn in 2011? Lots of stuff. According to my research (meaning, it appeared on my ‘what your poo is telling you’ desk calendar), the world’s oldest known joke, appearing in some sort of archeological find, goes like this:

“A young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap”

Huh. I hope that isn’t the best the ancient world has to offer. I’m sure if the person writing that down knew it would have been discovered again four thousand years in the future they would have at least tried to make it funnier. I mean, I was pulling off better jokes than that when I was like, five years old. Lame.

But reading about that made me think of another piece of trivia I’d heard, this one was from some scientist guy who said the oldest recipe we've ever recovered was a recipe for Beer!

Oh, and of course, that figures. The oldest written records we have of humans daring to write down their abstract thoughts are recipes for homemade beer and fart jokes.

I was sorta aghast at the thought, then I realized that if some far future archeologist turned up some computer hard drive of a typical person from today, they would probably find it full of porn and cat videos. Then I was more aghast at what a future person would learn about us, I mean, we haven’t just been recycling fart jokes and alcohol recipes for the past 4000 years have we?

Well, when a coworker took a look at the cream cheese cupcakes with chocolate pudding on top that we had yesterday and made a poop joke, I thought the answer has to be yes, because that’s just what we do.

Anyway, I wanted to do a year in review, but found out that I have nothing to review, as I don’t pay that much attention to things as they happen. So here are a few items that I remembered that I think happened this year.

1)      There was some sort of natural disaster made worse by people doing something they probably shouldn’t - People shouldn’t be messing around with the fires of creation. Or, rather, they need to give it its proper respect. A tidal wave striking Japan in the way that it did might be a once a century sort of event, but so what - engineer your NUCLEAR facilities to handle those once a century cataclysms… especially if you expect to use the facility for several decades.

2)      The TV show, The Six-Million Dollar man, yes, it was about a cyborg that battled bionic bigfoots and insane Venusian probes, but in 2011 I looked for it on Netflix and could not find it… I’m not sure who to be angry with, I want to see Steve Austin use his awesome car phone to talk to his boss.

3)      I tried to watch Stargate the TV show, I watched season 1, and a few episodes of season 2. It was hard for me to watch, real hard. I’ll in 2012 to make it through season 2.

4)      I did watch the first 5 seasons of Psych, best show in the universe.

5)      I saw movies at the theater, but I don’t remember any that were so good I might need to force my grandkids to watch them when I’m an old man. Am I forgetting any? I liked the Marvel movies, I liked Cowboys vs Aliens one, all in all, I was a bit underwhelmed.

6) I've realized that outside of writing, reading, and pop science, I have no idea what happened in the world in the past year.

Maybe next year we'll all be jazzed about The Hobbit coming out.

DRAGON SLAYER LIVES!!!!

Writing is a way of life, really. I don’t like writing, it’s painful, frustrating, it takes me away from family, it makes me angry when it isn’t going well, it’s awful really. But once I’m done with something I feel like I have to jump in and do it again. I like the pain I suppose. As it stands, I’ve got a half drafted fantasy novel that I’m considering abandoning – this year’s nano – if I can’t re-outline it into something I like better. Right now it’s a bunch of people wondering around and saying, “Hey, this whole world is really weird,” and “Man, we can totally do magic! That doesn’t make any sense.”

Yep, that’s hard core storytelling right there. Especially since these people aren’t visiting this fantasy world, but actually supposed to be living on that world. Ugh.

Easy mistake to make, happens all the time. But that isn't the Invincible Sword of Leboria - that's Glagnar's toothpick.

Part of it must have something to do with world building, or a lack thereof, I started thinking about my teeny little village that was cut off from the larger world and everyone carrying weapons. Well, that means they had to have a forge, and ore, and something to keep the fires burning hot (lots of trees, maybe coal). Ooh, then I thought of a guy with poor eyesight, then that led to optics, and glass blowing, oh, and don’t get me started about clothing, do they have wool? No, I decided, only cows and pigs… so they wear lots of leather. But then I started thinking of home construction, if they are iron poor (which they are), then they don’t have lots of nails, and if they don’t have nails, do they also have iron hinges (yes, I decided, they will). Is that significant? I have no idea. But I spent too much time figuring that stuff out as I wrote. What do I mean, figuring it out as I wrote? Let me explain by using some (made up) example.

“But Ragon can’t be the town’s only Smith, what if he were injured? Or he died?”

“I know,” Platt said, “but it’s true. We can’t support another Smith, the apprenticeship takes too long, and we need all the able bodied men to help with the harvest.”

Julie frowned. “But the harvest isn’t all year round, surely someone could apprentice for much of the year, and then help in harvest time. It doesn’t make any sense to go without.”

It was Platt’s turn to frown now. He hadn’t seen the poor logic before then. “You’re right.  There is no reason for Ragon to be toiling away without an apprentice. He must be hiding something, making up lies in order to continue working in secret.”

Oh, I can’t write anymore. It’s awful. Now imagine approximately 200 pages of what I’m now calling “plotting through dialog,” which is what happens when I chuck my outline, or even follow it, but miss a major plot hole, which gets discovered during my extended character interactions. I’ll just write it out and move on, and come back later to fix. But when more and more of the time spent writing is really just me plotting, or figuring out the world building, then I know I have a problem, I’ve not thought my story out well enough.

So, that’s where I’m at with that. I do think I’m going to give the novella I wrote late in the summer another editing pass. It’s that one I’ve complained about intermittently that starts as an epistolary tale before sliding into a traditional first person narrative. The problem I’ve been having is I like both methods of storytelling in general, and in particular, I think both serve to help me tell the story I want to… but something about putting the two together, unintentionally, bothers me. I don’t know, maybe it’s like the discovery of penicillin, or a peanut butter and chocolate thing… serendipity that leads to greatness.

Sky High

I've seen some pretty skies of late. Thought I would share

Bah Humbug Blahgfest

Grumpy Bulldog, formerly a Doctor, now a secret agent, is hosting the Bah Humbug Blahgfest and asked for 12 things about the holiday season that I hate…Be sure to check his blog for a list of all the other participants, as he has a list of all of them there. Okay then, here we go.

12) Irregular television programming: It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but as recently as the 90’s, if you turned on the tv to watch Seinfeld at Christmas time you might end up having to see something like A Dianna Ross Christmas special. Or you want to catch the Misfits of Science and what is on instead? Rudolph and Prancer: A Love Story. Argh. Even if it’s shows I already watch, they’ll do this Christmas episode that gets needlessly sappy and weak. I’m waiting for a Christmas episode of Stephen Hawking’s Universe where he discusses Santa and the physics of worldwide present delivery. Ugh, I dread it already.

11) Crowds: My son’s headphones died and I need to get them replaced because they are under warranty at Best Buy. Well, try doing that at Christmastime. It’s like waiting in line to get Superbowl tickets. Lines go back for as far as the eye can see at every counter, the wait time is hours. I just want the damn headphones. I’m not purchasing a new stove for delivery on Christmas eve to grandma’s house… with a bow on top. Just give me my fµƆʁing headphones!!!... Sorry, I had a moment of anger there. My point, I don’t like the crowds.

10) Traffic: Of course, getting to Best Buy in the first place took an hour longer than it should have. But so does everything else. For 11 months out of the year I think I live in the perfect spot. A quiet neighborhood with a nice yard, but will all the luxuries of city life, movie theaters, shopping, restaurants, within minutes of my front door…. Except I can’t get milk at the gas station in December without fighting gridlock on the roads first, it reminds me of people evacuating a natural disaster, except there is no disaster, just cars everywhere.

9) The Weather: I hate the cold. Usually, March through November is tolerable, but December is when it gets bad. I get depressed and beg for relief. Please let global warming just give me this one thing: A toasty Christmas.

8) Presents: Not real, meaningful ones, but the crap people give out of obligation. $3 jewelry and $5 gift cards to Frank’s Tire Emporium. Billions are wasted every year on this future landfill.

7) Ungrateful Recipients: You know, I had to fight traffic for 4 hours, and stand in line for 90 minutes to get your stupid gift card for Frank’s Tire Emporium, be grateful. It was the only place open. Deal with it.

6) The Music: I don’t really like Christmas music. When I hear it piped through the speakers at the dentist’s office, the grocery store, the lobby of my office building, every other blog I follow, I just don’t care. My ears glaze over and I shut it out. If the music were that good, people would listen to it all year round.

My son say's he's a genius

5) Rap Music: Originally, this spot was for people who were a little too much into the Christmas spirit, but I was having a hard time making my point. Then I thought, what do I really hate most about this time of year? And it hit me, Rap music. Now, Rap music is something I hate worse than Christmas music, that I can’t funnel it into a mere month long period of time makes it worse. But no, my son thinks Rap is great, and his mission in life is to present me with a rap song I will like. I have honestly broken down and started shouting at him over it. He just won’t give up, and they all keep on sucking. Why do I hate it, well, at first it was just a general, “it’s not my thing” but as I’ve been exposed to it more and more I’ve grown to hate it like I hate very few things in my life. I hate a whole genre of music now, that’s a lot of hate. Thanks son.

4) The Religious Aspect: Okay, back to Christmas stuff. I know, the whole point of Christmas is that it’s about the birth of Jesus – but here’s the thing - it isn’t. It’s more like someone took every wintertime celebration they could find during the middle ages, threw them into a blender, drank it, and pooped out Christmas. I would think most Christians would want Christ taken out of the holiday, it seems… I don’t know, disrespectful. I like the story that Odin would fly through the sky on his 8 legged horse on a great hunt, and children would leave treats for him by their hearth as he passed by their house at night. In gratitude, he would leave them presents in return, well, that’s familiar. There are tons of Christian traditions that are more ancient still, but the point I’m making is that the Christmas traditions most of us know now has nothing to do the Jesus. Doesn’t it cheapen the experience to throw him in there? Either way, when people start getting up in arms about it being this super holy Christian holiday I have to disagree.

3) The Secular Complaining: Taking the nativity off of government funded facilities. Ridiculous. If my courthouse erected a 17 foot tall totem every year in honor of a Native American holiday I wouldn’t care about that either. Granted, I might not be happy if they are spending money on it – I’d rather see them spend money on better public transportation, or fixing pot holes - but the thing about taxation is that you don’t really get to dictate what they spend your money on, because it isn’t your money after the government gets it, it’s theirs, they can do what they want. There are limits for sure, but those little nativity scenes have not crossed any lines.

2) People Who Don’t Celebrate: Party poopers. Every one.*

1) Me: Yes, much like that guy from the movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, I have reserved the final judgment for myself. For complaining so much.

And that’s pretty much it. Just so we all know, there is a lot I love about the holiday too. But that wouldn’t be in keeping with the spirit of the blahgfest, but rest assured. I find enjoyment at this time of year.

*not everyone. I can make exceptions for those with deep seated emotional scars that stem from some holiday tragedy.

Scientists: What A Bunch of Weirdos

Yesterday was a big day in the world of Science, and by big, I mean huge. It was the day for the Higgs Boson announcement.

So, okay, um, pretend my finger is gravity, and, um, my other finger is, er, a battleship... wait

If you’re not sure why that might be a big deal then let me explain. Some scientists in the physics community have hated Einstein for years, decades even. They have worked as hard as possible to help disprove his theories of special and general relativity and in the past few months, have taken it to a new level.

Yes, those feeble minds have been taking it on faith that he is wrong, and have been thinking that way since the thirties. Why? Well for the obvious reason is that if his theories are correct, then quantum theory has to be wrong… of course the great paradox of modern physics is that both theories have been shown to be correct to the extent of our abilities to test them. However, they contradict one another.

First, the anti-Einsteinians fabricated that giant hubbub about FTL neutrinos. Now a race is underway to duplicate the results of the experiments that turned out those bizarre results. All I have to say about that is, if correct, that would also invalidate quantum theory as well. So don’t expect those new results to confirm the old

So, what did those bastards do next? They had to have this big press conference yesterday where they went on and on about finding the Higgs boson. What is that? Well, it’s quantum theory’s lame attempt to explain the existence of gravity. It isn’t a curvature of spacetime like what Einstein described, oh no, it’s these little force carriers (hence the term, boson) that gives all matter in the universe its mass.

Einstein also debated physics with Richard Nixon... and maybe smoked a lot of pot

I know, stupid, right?

Anyway, this big conference is held, most of the world’s scientific media is there for the announcement that they found it. The Higgs is real! The Higgs is real! They start discussing all their results and finally the lower the bombshell… they have found the Higgs Boson.

Maybe. Well, actually, no, they haven’t found a thing, but you know, it might be there.

Because really, they aren’t sure, they need another year to see. So that’s it, that is the big announcement. A big whomping maybe. I think those relativity deniers need to go back to the drawing board and come up with something good and quit trying to make up whatever comes to mind and announcing it as a big fact. I mean, the press conference ended with a standing ovation for crying out loud… They didn’t find out anything new!*

Here is my attempt at reproducing a similarly absurd press conference in another setting.

“Thank you for coming, I’m sure you’re all eagerly awaiting the results of a great discovery in our Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. As you know, we’ve been looking for signs of radio signals from the stars that show signs of non-human intelligence in the wider universe. Today, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve had a surprising and thrilling result in our search.”

<insert 40 minutes of history of SETI, lots of charts, graphs and technical data>

“Today, we stand before you, my team and I, and proudly announce that we can finally say with a high degree of certainty, that if there are intelligent beings living on plant Gliese 22b, then we can’t find them. Thank you, have a nice day.”

Big whoop.

Sigh. I hope everyone understands that the above is all tongue in cheek. Finding the Higgs boson would actually be a pretty big deal. It isn’t called the ‘God particle’ for nothing**. If there is ever a hope for artificial gravity, real artificial gravity, not the kind that is contingent on centripetal force, then it would come from manipulating the Higgs field, er, that’s the magical theoretical field that allows the bosons to work.

So, I love my science, but I’ve never been a huge fan of quantum theory where it overlaps with relativity, it’s very inelegant and doesn’t offer a lot of insight. So I’m honestly not sure what to make of this should it turn out to be true.

Sorry Einstein, the world is against you.

* Yes they did

**Yes it is.

The Problem With Moving South

I'm a little behind, as always, but just in case everyone missed these pictures that hit the internet in the last few weeks, please take a look at this:

I'm eating a finger for dessert

In case you don't know what that is, it's a big assed bug. It's eating a carrot. It could easily be a man's arm though. This is proof that monster's do exist.

Seriously,

Also, I hear all these wonderful things about New Zealand and then something like this pops up and you realize that if their bugs are this big, then their alligators must be Godzilla sized.

Actually, if you've watched the extended editions of the LoTR movies then you've probably seen these in the extras. But the one I've pictured above set a record for its size. It's ridiculous.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2068547/Weta-insect-Heaviest-world-weighs-3-times-mouse.html

Don't forget Grumpy Bulldog is having his grumpfest on Thursday. If you're the sort that likes to complain, then please sign up so you can vent about the holidays.

It's Not Possible

I had this 3k word long post prepared about the coming destruction of society, and maybe humanity, but after reading it again I decided it needs another pass or two before I can let that one see the light of day. I go to some dark places there.

So, instead, I want to point out that I worked (wasted) my weekend trying to expand my horizons by entering the 3D art workplace.

Well, I don't want to chalk that up as a loss yet, but I did not have a good time. I got Poser 9 recently, thinking I could design and build 3D figures. I chose this program because it was relatively cheap and supposedly, great for beginners.

Sigh. I have no idea what I was doing, but I was not creating art, it was not user friendly, and in a lot of ways, extremely frustrating, not to mention, buggy, as it crashed many times, deleting my progress each time.

So I have nothing to show for all my work, nothing. If I knew it would have been like this I would have just gotten Blender or something, at least that one is free. But, I'll be trying it some more, which is why I'm not ready to call it a loss yet. A lot of my frustration is that they seem to be pushing me to use the prebuilt models, which doesn't feel very artistic to me.

Oh well.