Bah Humbug Blahgfest

Grumpy Bulldog, formerly a Doctor, now a secret agent, is hosting the Bah Humbug Blahgfest and asked for 12 things about the holiday season that I hate…Be sure to check his blog for a list of all the other participants, as he has a list of all of them there. Okay then, here we go.

12) Irregular television programming: It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but as recently as the 90’s, if you turned on the tv to watch Seinfeld at Christmas time you might end up having to see something like A Dianna Ross Christmas special. Or you want to catch the Misfits of Science and what is on instead? Rudolph and Prancer: A Love Story. Argh. Even if it’s shows I already watch, they’ll do this Christmas episode that gets needlessly sappy and weak. I’m waiting for a Christmas episode of Stephen Hawking’s Universe where he discusses Santa and the physics of worldwide present delivery. Ugh, I dread it already.

11) Crowds: My son’s headphones died and I need to get them replaced because they are under warranty at Best Buy. Well, try doing that at Christmastime. It’s like waiting in line to get Superbowl tickets. Lines go back for as far as the eye can see at every counter, the wait time is hours. I just want the damn headphones. I’m not purchasing a new stove for delivery on Christmas eve to grandma’s house… with a bow on top. Just give me my fµƆʁing headphones!!!... Sorry, I had a moment of anger there. My point, I don’t like the crowds.

10) Traffic: Of course, getting to Best Buy in the first place took an hour longer than it should have. But so does everything else. For 11 months out of the year I think I live in the perfect spot. A quiet neighborhood with a nice yard, but will all the luxuries of city life, movie theaters, shopping, restaurants, within minutes of my front door…. Except I can’t get milk at the gas station in December without fighting gridlock on the roads first, it reminds me of people evacuating a natural disaster, except there is no disaster, just cars everywhere.

9) The Weather: I hate the cold. Usually, March through November is tolerable, but December is when it gets bad. I get depressed and beg for relief. Please let global warming just give me this one thing: A toasty Christmas.

8) Presents: Not real, meaningful ones, but the crap people give out of obligation. $3 jewelry and $5 gift cards to Frank’s Tire Emporium. Billions are wasted every year on this future landfill.

7) Ungrateful Recipients: You know, I had to fight traffic for 4 hours, and stand in line for 90 minutes to get your stupid gift card for Frank’s Tire Emporium, be grateful. It was the only place open. Deal with it.

6) The Music: I don’t really like Christmas music. When I hear it piped through the speakers at the dentist’s office, the grocery store, the lobby of my office building, every other blog I follow, I just don’t care. My ears glaze over and I shut it out. If the music were that good, people would listen to it all year round.

My son say's he's a genius

5) Rap Music: Originally, this spot was for people who were a little too much into the Christmas spirit, but I was having a hard time making my point. Then I thought, what do I really hate most about this time of year? And it hit me, Rap music. Now, Rap music is something I hate worse than Christmas music, that I can’t funnel it into a mere month long period of time makes it worse. But no, my son thinks Rap is great, and his mission in life is to present me with a rap song I will like. I have honestly broken down and started shouting at him over it. He just won’t give up, and they all keep on sucking. Why do I hate it, well, at first it was just a general, “it’s not my thing” but as I’ve been exposed to it more and more I’ve grown to hate it like I hate very few things in my life. I hate a whole genre of music now, that’s a lot of hate. Thanks son.

4) The Religious Aspect: Okay, back to Christmas stuff. I know, the whole point of Christmas is that it’s about the birth of Jesus – but here’s the thing - it isn’t. It’s more like someone took every wintertime celebration they could find during the middle ages, threw them into a blender, drank it, and pooped out Christmas. I would think most Christians would want Christ taken out of the holiday, it seems… I don’t know, disrespectful. I like the story that Odin would fly through the sky on his 8 legged horse on a great hunt, and children would leave treats for him by their hearth as he passed by their house at night. In gratitude, he would leave them presents in return, well, that’s familiar. There are tons of Christian traditions that are more ancient still, but the point I’m making is that the Christmas traditions most of us know now has nothing to do the Jesus. Doesn’t it cheapen the experience to throw him in there? Either way, when people start getting up in arms about it being this super holy Christian holiday I have to disagree.

3) The Secular Complaining: Taking the nativity off of government funded facilities. Ridiculous. If my courthouse erected a 17 foot tall totem every year in honor of a Native American holiday I wouldn’t care about that either. Granted, I might not be happy if they are spending money on it – I’d rather see them spend money on better public transportation, or fixing pot holes - but the thing about taxation is that you don’t really get to dictate what they spend your money on, because it isn’t your money after the government gets it, it’s theirs, they can do what they want. There are limits for sure, but those little nativity scenes have not crossed any lines.

2) People Who Don’t Celebrate: Party poopers. Every one.*

1) Me: Yes, much like that guy from the movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, I have reserved the final judgment for myself. For complaining so much.

And that’s pretty much it. Just so we all know, there is a lot I love about the holiday too. But that wouldn’t be in keeping with the spirit of the blahgfest, but rest assured. I find enjoyment at this time of year.

*not everyone. I can make exceptions for those with deep seated emotional scars that stem from some holiday tragedy.