Friday, March 8, 2013

If I Had a Time Machine!


There was a blogfest last week about time-travel. You know, if you rec’d a box from the future what would be in it? I didn’t participate, mostly because I don’t recall seeing it before people started posting - my own fault, I can be pretty oblivious at times. But it did get me thinking. I’ve often wondered what sort of message I would send to myself if the person I am today could dispense advice to myself at pivotal times in my history. I think I’ve pretty much figured it out.

So, I'm going to pretend I can visit myself every five years, and have just long enough to get a couple of sentences out before I get pulled back. So here is plan if that ever happens:

Age 5: Burgers and Boogers are not interchangeable terms. They mean different things.

Age 10: Fart and F#¢k are not interchangeable terms. Don’t treat them as such… especially around mom.

Age 15: XXXXX isn’t such a great girl. Don’t get bent out of shape over it.

Age 20: Quit being so damned serious. And you’re not as smart as you think you are.

Age 25: Purchase stock in Apple

Age 30: Give up on getting lottery numbers from me. I'm not going to give you any.

Age 35: You know that novel you’ve been revising for the past couple of years? You’re almost done.

Age 40: Just kidding about that novel. Seriously, almost done. Also, here are those lottery numbers.

And that’s about it, any more jumps and I’d be giving advice to future versions of me. Which might be fun, except that I think any version of younger me would be disappointed in how any version of older me turned out. So any future advice would just be, “Quit being such a loser.”

20 comments:

Tonja said...

Love it!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Hilarious!
Dude, I posted a list a couple weeks ago of all the blogfests.
And you are not a loser.

Brinda said...

Great time travel notes. :)

Now, you must do a post to your age 15 self and elaborate. I sense there is a great story in that one.

Deborah Walker said...

*laughs* very funny, Rusty.

Cindy said...

I love your sense of humor.

If I did this, it would be very interesting.

PT Dilloway, Grumpy Bulldog said...

I'd take a picture of the inside of my mouth and tell myself to brush. Also to put down the cookies. And yeah lottery numbers wouldn't be so bad.

Michael Offutt, S.F.A. said...

Don't purchase stock in Apple unless you sell it before it tanks (and it's tanking now). That'd be the advice I'd give my younger self.

Andrew Leon said...

LOL
That was awesome!

I'm conflicted about this whole time travel thing, because the things I would tell myself would potentially change everything, and I don't want to change everything. Just some things.

But for me at 5? Hmm... forget about the dinosaurs. You're going to find out that you don't really want to be a paleontologist, after all.

Michael George Hammond said...

This is hilarious. Pure genius!

mooderino said...

That made me laugh. An excellent list and very funny.

mood

mshatch said...

ditto what mooderino said and Andrew; I always worry about the ripple effect.

The Golden Eagle said...

That's a an excellent, concise list!

Nicole said...

Funny (and helpful) advice for your young self. :)

Jay Noel said...

I'd go back to when I was 16 and tell myself to not break a certain girl's heart.

Still feel bad for that one.

Briane P said...

Honestly? I cannot recall ever wondering, as a younger/dumber/fatter (but just by a bit) what my life would be like now.

But if I could go back and tell myself anything at all at any age I'd say "You cannot even imagine how impossibly awesome your life is going to be. So don't sweat this part because every day it gets better."

Which means that by 44 I am exponentially far happier than I was at 22.

(ALSO I WOULD SAY THAT GETTING THAT PERM AT 21 WAS DUMB BUT THE LEATHER BOOTS WERE TOTALLY SPOT ON)

Briane P said...

Rusty you don't really think you're a loser, do you?

Rusty Webb said...

@ Tonya - Thanks!

@ Alex - Your second sentence kinda shows why your third is invalid. I appreciate the sentiment though.

@ Brinda - They all have a story for the most part. But being 15 pretty much guarantees that that breakup was extra dramatic.

@ Deborah - Thanks

@ Cindy - I should have made it a thing, then tagged you.

@ PT - I'm pretty sure I would have screwed up the lottery thing pretty badly until the past 5 or 6 years. I really wanted to build a theme park at one point, also make a $100 million dollar movie... I really think I would have done it if I was 25... and it would have sucked.

@ Michael - When I was 25 Apple stock was worthless, I actually have an entire investment plan I will give myself starting from 18 until the present day if I ever travel back in time. Because I want to be prepared.

@ Andrew - I don't know, Andrew, that seems like a pretty heavy burden to place on a 5 year old. I'd recommend sticking with stuff like, 'don't pick your nose' and 'Don't throw away your toys.'

@ Michael George - thanks... and I'm not sure if you've visited before, but hello.

@Mooderino - Thank you

@ MShatch -I worry too. But I figure that if things get to bad I'll just keep returning until I fix it. Like in that movie with whatshisname. The Butterfly Effect. Wait, he kept making things worse, didn't he?

@ Golden - Concise was a goal. Yea!

@ Nicole - I'd like to think it would be very helpful.

@ Jay - going back to be nicer? That's pretty awesome.

@ Briane - Me? A Loser? I'm pretty sure younger versions of me would see it that way. But they'd pronounce it 'Loo - hoo -sir - her'

Andrew Leon said...

But I already did keep my toys. Well, except for the ones my mom got rid of when I wasn't home, like my Lone Ranger stuff. Man, those are worth a lot these days, and I had a lot of it, and it was all in excellent condition. Except Silver, because a friend of mine stepped on him and broke his leg.

Actually, it's pretty tough to think of something constructive to tell a 5-year-old.

Rusty Webb said...

@ Andrew - Your right about how hard it is to give meaningful advice to a 5 year old, which is why I chose to just do some vocabulary lesson. My arbitrary rules insist I only have a few seconds to say something so I can't get too deep anyway.

Andrew Leon said...

LOL It's always good to have arbitrary rules.