Friday, February 3, 2012

This Stupid Pineapple is...

... Finally beginning to understand where pineapple juice comes from.


As mentioned Wednesday, today is Briane Pagel's Stupid Pineapple blogfest. Not only does he host the thing, he is giving out prizes - choosing to do so in a manner so hopelessly complicated that he might as well just give it to whomever he feels like. Anyhow, if you want to know who's entered and all that I'd recommend you check out his twitter feed, because I'm not sure if there is an official list anywhere. It's kind of like a secret blogfest I suppose.

Anyhow, without any further delay, my completely fictional account of a the stupid pineapple which again, is not based on a true story. This did not happen to me at work yesterday, as I am a human, not a pineapple.

The Stupid Pineapple lost my his headphones yesterday at work. Now, he hates having nice things because he hates worrying about and being stressed over his nice things. But one area he decided not to skimp on was his earphones. He plunked down a cool hundred bucks for some nice earbuds that block out most noise when they're in, and produce quality sound. He listens to them a lot. He loves them. They complete him.

Yesterday, just as The Stupid Pineapple was getting ready to go for a walk somewhere on my his lunch hour, he realized his headphones were missing. He checked under some loose papers at his desk. Nothing. He checked in his junk drawer at work. Nothing. He checked his coat pockets. Nothing.

He tried to recap his morning: He came in, he had been wearing them when he got to work, he took them off once he got there and had an impromptu cleaning session. after which he threw away his cleaning materials.

Wait, had he seen my his headphones since then? No, no he had not. He looked in his wastebasket only to find it entirely empty. The custodian had already been by and taken the trash. The bastard.

He ran around the floor looking for him for a few minutes until he found him. He asked to see the trash the custodian had just picked up. "Sorry dude, I just took it to the basement to be put in the dumpster."

Well, shit. He made his way all the way down to the basement with the custodian and found that the items had been put in the 'pre-dumpster.' That is a word he just made up to describe what it is, they dump all the collected trash in these giant bins to wait for someone later in the day to haul them out to the compacter on the loading dock. The trash wasn't in a real dumpster, but whatever. It's a giant thing full of trash.

He had the custodian show him the bag. How he could tell which one was his out of all those bags was beyond the Stupid Pineapple, as they all looked identical to him. But he was stupid, so he figured the custodian knew. He tore open the bag he was told contained his trash it, was one of those giant lawn bags and he couldn't get it untied, so he just ripped it apart. He dug in with gusto. He found not one, but TWO pair of headphones in the bag - neither of them were his though - and found lots of food, pasta, tomato sauce, mustard, tons of used kleenex, lots and lots of paperwork.

The paperwork gave it away, It was all from a different department than the stupid Pineapple worked in. "Hey," the Stupid Pineapple said, "Do you pick up trash from any other departments?"

"Nope, just yours."

Well, m#^%^#&$ker. He ripped open the wrong effen bag. All that dried snot and half eaten food he'd been diving through was the wrong bag. "Why don't you just go? I think I'll rummage through the trash alone now," the Stupid Pineapple said.

He left, and the Stupid Pineapple dug into another bag. This one was paydirt. It had oatmeal all over it, yummy. He was so glad it was lunch time. There were all sorts of other things, he found a pair of shoes, a really nice lunchbox, and some more snotty kleenex, it was flu season. No headphones though.

Eventually, he gave up. he went to the bathroom and scrubbed up like a doctor going to surgery. He washed and washed and washed. He leaned over the bathroom sink and stared at myself himself as he washed away the filth. He was trying to think of how he could tell his wife that those ridiculously expensive headphones that he just had to have were now lost forever when he noticed a small bulge in his front shirt pocket.

Oh, there they are.

Dumbass. He was a truly, deeply, stupid pineapple.

The end.

Anyhow, if anyone is curious as to what I had for dinner on Tuesday evening. You can find that by clicking...HERE.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

This piece of fiction in no way resembles actual events or real people, does it?
Finding them in your pocket is better than looking up and seeing they were around your neck. I mean, the pineapple's neck.

Stephen Tremp said...

Ah, a pineapple Blogfest. That explains why I'm seeing pineapple stuff in Blogdom today.

Huntress said...

Got to be a Freudian thing.

Jay Noel said...

Sounds so if it actually DID happen. Way to capture reality, weaving a tale of self-deceit.

Tonja said...

Ick. Those must be awesome headphones to make a pineapple want to go through group trash. Great story.

Grumpy Bulldog, Media Mogul said...

Did you draw that picture?

I hate "Losing" something and then realizing it's right in plain sight, though I've never looked in a dumpster for anything.

Rusty Webb said...

Why yes, I did draw that picture, thanks for noticing.

And yes, I hate it too. Really, really, hate it.

Briane P said...

I'll have to check out dinner later -- I'm trying to read up on the Stupid Pineapple entries and also not commit malpractice by blowing a deadline, so right now I'm reading while a brief prints.

What a stupid pineapple! He had those earbuds in his pocket all along! And he didn't even realize that pineapples don't have ears, just as ears don't have pineapples. It's a law of nature.

Bonus points for not making it a true story, unlike Grumpy's and Michael's.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Love the cover for A DEAD GOD'S WRATH. And some of the best movies have been made from short stories!

M Pax said...

lol Sounds like my husband looking for his glasses and they're on his head the whole time. I never do anything like Right.

Cindy said...

That poor, poor pinnapple. I think it's because he is working too many hours.

Nancy said...

A pineapple's trials are never finished. Glad he found his earbuds because that would suck to tell the wife.

Andrew Leon said...

Does it wear pants, too?

Yeah, that's the best I've got, right now.

Heather said...

Dumpster diving for earbuds? Truly stupid. Good thing is was an idiot pineapple and not you, that kinda thing could drive a person insane!

The Blogger Girlz said...

Poor little stupid pineapple. He just can't seem to get it right today. -Aaron

Donna Hole said...

LOL. I'm so glad that you (er, scratch that) the Stupid Pineapple found the headphones. What an adventure that was.


Angela Scott said...

That is the kind of crap that happens to me ALL the time. No joke. Once,my family went to a water amusement park for the day. I had a picnic basket (every time I say picnic I think of yogi bear). Anyway, at the end of the day, I took the basket and dumped all the contents out in a garbage can and went home. Then I realized our digital camera had been inside the basket. Crap. I called the place, they were closed. I called the next morning saying I knew exactly which garbage can I dumped it in. Too late. It was in the dumpsters, but the garbage trucks hadn't come yet. So off I ran to the amusement park and dug through four HUGE dumpsters to find the camera (I wouldn't have but it had our hawaii vacation pics on it and I needed it back). I tore through bag after bag after bag. AND I FOUND IT! But it was so gross. I feel your pain.

Loved the story. Awesome. I sure wish my camera had just been inside my pocket.

boopia said...

This is TOO funny. When will the winners be announced?