Friday, August 3, 2012

What if I Kept a Diary?

I’ve been inspired, of sorts, to live healthy. Now, it was a spur of the moment decision, so I have had some stumbling blocks.  But I figured I would spell out a bit of what it was like to be me for a day.

Sunday night, my wife and I drew a line in the sand and decided Monday was going to be day 1 of our new life. No more poor diet and no exercise. The plan? Monday morning, up early to make a healthy breakfast and to take extra time to pack a healthy lunch and a gym bag so I can go workout on my lunch hour.

6:15 a.m. – Alarm goes off. Wife points out that she has to leave for work in 30 minutes. There isn’t enough time to cook. We go back to bed.

7:00 a.m. – Wife has already left for work. I get up and find my stomach is upset. I spend the next hour in the bathroom. Cursing the ethnic food I ate the night before that did this to me.

8:00 a.m. – I text my boss to inform him that I’m, er, indisposed at the moment, and am not at work. I tell him to expect me soon.

8:30 a.m. – after a shower and change of clothes, I rush off to work. I did not take my gym bag. I did not eat breakfast. I’m very hungry. I do grab a lean cuisine from the freezer on my way out the door.

8:55 a.m. – I arrive at work. Too hungry to think properly. I go to vending area and get a relatively healthy almond nut bar. 160 calories, more sugar than necessary.

9:02 a.m. – First meeting of the day hasn’t quite started. I notice a few dozen cupcakes by my desk.

9:17 a.m. – meeting over. I avoid temptation and eat my almond nut bar. Those cupcakes stay on my desk.

10:30 a.m. – the lady who brought the cupcakes and set them on my desk (because of it’s awesome, centralized location) encourages me to have one. I resist. However, the almond nut bar I had earlier was really small and I’m hungry enough that I’m getting a headache.

11:29 a.m. – I can’t take it anymore. I get up to go to a restaurant for lunch. I remember I have my lean cuisine. I curse. Then go warm it up in the microwave.

11:38 a.m. – I’ve eaten my lunch. I’m still very hungry.

11:45 a.m. – I have a cupcake. It’s peanut butter. It’s homemade and very good.

12:36 p.m. – I have another.

2:24 p.m. -  and another.

3:55 p.m. – and another.

5:00 p.m. – cupcake lady comes by, sees few remaining cupcakes and decides to take them home. Her departure kept me from eating another one.

5:15 p.m. – Still very hungry. Also have the shakes from too much sugar. I return to vending area for food. I intend to get a snickers bar.

5:18 p.m. – I hate our snack vendor. There are no snickers bars. There are no milky way caramel. I decide I’ve had way to much sugar already. I decide to skip the three musketeers and eat a handful of almonds instead.

5:26 p.m. – I lick the salt from the almonds and dream of eating meat. I wonder if a filet mignon burger is a real thing. I wonder what bread you could put on it. I decide I want one. 

5:28 p.m. – I decide putting ketchup or mustard on filet mignon would be a travesty. I consider other possible condiments. I’m thinking hollandaise sauce might work. Or a garlic butter. Or both.

6:09 p.m. – I think that if I’m served salad tonight, it will be made up of 80% dressing. And topped with breaded meats. In fact, I might get Chinese food, something like sesame chicken (minus the sesame sauce) and just drop the chicken over the salad.

6:10 p.m. – I realize I’d be an idiot to not use the sesame sauce. Maybe I can invent a new kind of salad too. To be served before my filet-o-burger. I also remember that I was going to work out today.  

7:05 p.m. – I get home to find that my wife is making some Asian dish that is very similar in form to a lettuce wrap. Actually, it is a lettuce wrap. She has veggies cut, sauces all over the counter, and cooked meat (ground chicken) already browned. I decide immediately that I need to help.

7:40 p.m. – I’ve ruined supper. Apparently, throwing in half a shaker of five spice is a bit much. After putting the food in the strainer and rinsing it thoroughly with water, it’s still not eatable. We have to throw it out.

8:49 p.m. – I have drank most of a 2 liter of soda in an attempt to get that feeling of fullness that I need. I’m still hungry, but gassy to boot. I call the day a failure and hope to do better tomorrow.*

* Since I wrote this later in the week, I can tell you that I most definitely do better the next day.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Dude, after a day of eating like that, I would be dead...
I won't tell you about my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or the hour I spend at the gym. You just might go suicidal on a bakery shop.

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

I've had a sore throat for days so I haven't eaten much solid food lately. Mostly I've been eating tomato soup and hummus and drinking Slim-Fasts. Hooray.

Tonja said...

Hilarious. I hate the cupcake lady.

I made a deal with my husband that we will exercise every day. But just one of us has to do it. If I don't, he has to. We're supposed to alternate days. He'll feel bad if he makes me exercise 5 days in a row, so I think it will work. Except I don't think anyone broke a sweat yesterday. Ooops.

Briane P said...

This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I'm sitting here in my office laughing out loud (and I have no cupcakes to get me through the day.)

Rusty, you are a genius. From the hilarious writing to the idea of a filet mignon burger to the creation of a new type of salad, I bow in humble recognition of Your Awesomeness.

M.J. Fifield said...

That's hilarious, really. Awesome.

One of my co-workers is always baking cookies and muffins for everyone. My only saving grace is that she puts nuts in EVERYTHING and I don't care for nuts.

Peanut butter cupcakes though... yeah, I wouldn't be able to pass those up.

Anonymous said...

Ahah, so we're on the same diet plan. Don't fret, there's always tomorrow!

Tony Laplume said...

Sounds like a fun day!

Mel Chesley said...

Lol! Wow, just reading this makes me feel ill. My husband and I have to remain on healthy diets for a reason. I miss food like that, but what can you do? Good luck, dude. You're gonna need it. ;)

Ciara said...

Oh my, I would have been sick after the first cupcake. I haven't been able to work out due to an injury so I have to watch what I eat. That day would have sent me to the hospital. Good luck tomorrow. Whatever you do, eat a solid breakfast.

M Pax said...

I usually work out 3-4 days a week. Around 40, I changed my eating habits, too. I enjoyed reading about the obsession with the filet sandwich. Trader Joe's has these great rosemary parmesan rolls which might work. Onion rings on top would be tasty.

Michael Offutt, Tebow Cult Initiate said...

I keep a food eating diary on My Fitness Pal (an application for the iPhone).

The Golden Eagle said...

LOL. (Though I'm sorry for laughing at your food predicament--glad the next day went better.)

Deborah Walker said...

*laughs* The only way is up.

Charmaine Clancy said...

Kind of the same in our house. Minus the healthy eating and exercise... basically just the cupcakes.

Jake Austria said...

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Patsy said...

Oh dear. It takes planning and a fair bit of practise to live healthily, I think.

Goku shrestha said...

ha ha:)

S. L. Hennessy said...

I have to admit, I'm somewhat of a cupcake fiend. I cannot be held accountable when they're around. I once ate 12 in about an hour. Thank god I play on 5 soccer teams or I'd probably weigh a zillion pounds.

Seriously, good luck with the eating healthy. I don't know how people manage it, but I'm rooting for you.

Andrew Leon said...

So here's what you do:
For breakfast every morning, scramble up three eggs. It's takes about 5 minutes. The protein will really help you not to feel hungry. It's amazing, really, the difference it makes. If you feel like being fancy, you can toss in some onions or mushrooms or whatever. It doesn't considerably increase the prep time.

I'm about 1/3 of the way through your manuscript, but I have some questions. Expect an email or something as soon as I get caught up on stuff.

Donna Hole said...

I don't really care for chocolate, so I'm pretty safe at work. Until they bring out the red licorice. And glazed donuts.

Sadly, salty foods are my downfall. I can't resist. And there's no gym in my future :)

You're quite inventive Rusty


Brinda said...

Oh dear...I keep thinking tomorrow I will do better. I feel your pain. I need to go back to Weight Watchers online and counting points on my iPhone app. it worked for me earlier this year to lose 10 lbs. I've already gained that back the moment I went off that plan. So...back to the plan.