Thursday, August 28, 2014

I'm No Hero... I'm a SUPERHero


I believe I mentioned last time I posted that I wasted spent most of the spring and summer walking. What I DIDN’T share with you, is that it was there I first discovered I have a gift, or, dare I say, a superpower.

Laser eyes? No. Telekinesis? No again. I can do something much more amazing. Since those are the only two powers I’m sure most people care about, I’ll stop there. Instead I’ll back up for a second and ask a question. It’s really rhetorical, but you know, answer if you want. 

Anyone but me get really excited by the sound of a crunching leaf? Anyone? Not many greater joys in my life than when I step on a leaf and the sound is indistinguishable from biting into a spoonful of Cap’n Crunch cereal.

KRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNCH!

I love it. I love it so much, in fact, that walking with people is apparently no fun for them. I suppose there can be something vaguely embarrassing about going for a walk with a fortysomething year-old man and have to watch him stomp around the street like Godzilla trying to destroy Tokyo. I can’t help it, it’s my cross to bear in this world. And if you can’t accept that about me, well, then you just can’t accept me as a person. Because that’s just who I am.

At this point, I feel it’s my duty to point out that I have a similar, but unrelated, need to kick any pebble I find whilst I walk. There have been a few incidents where a pebble just happened to be placed right near a dried leaf on the street in front of me. It’s then that I learned that kicking with one foot while stomping with the other is really hard to do. I have the scrapes to prove that.

That is not, in case you’re curious, my superpower.

No, my gift, the one that has made me wonder if I should be wearing a costume to hide my true identity, is my uncanny ability to predict which foot I’ll need to use to crush said leaf without being forced to break my stride.

Please, quiet down. I can’t hear myself type over the sound of your collective sounds of awe. I’ll say that line again so you can know it’s true: I can crush a leaf, as soon as I have it marked with my mental map, by just walking over and stepping on it.

Wait, when I rephrase it, it doesn’t sound that amazing. Let me try again:

If I were to see a leaf from, say, 20 feet away, and I was walking and didn’t want to break my stride, I could immediately tell what foot will fall closest to the leaf. I DON’T HAVE TO STUTTER STEP.

*mind blown*

Imagine the world we’d live in if we all had this power. I shudder at the thought. Is this what Superman feels as he walks amongst mortals? I guess only he and I know for sure.

Happy day, world.

10 comments:

Jo said...

Poor leaves, isn't it bad enough that they are dead, do you have to crush them to little bits as well? It is quite a power though, maybe you should have a costume with leaves and pebbles all over it.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Simple things in life, isn't it?
My super power is I can instantly kill any flashlight I touch. My wife won't let me near them anymore. The lights go out, she gets to the flashlight faster than the Flash. Maybe that's her superpower?

Andrew Leon said...

My super power is cooking breakfast.

When my kids and I were biking to school, running over the leaves was one of the best parts. It's way better on a bike than on foot.

Karen Jones Gowen said...

I think walking a lot is a super power by itself. Everyone's in such a hurry, and then there's the weather, always an excuse not to walk.

Maurice Mitchell said...

That's an awesome power Rusty. With great power comes great responsibility. I think leaves are like bubble wrap. It's very satisfying.

Pat Dilloway said...

Clearly you need to be on America's Got Talent or something like that.

M.J. Fifield said...

That is a pretty awesome superpower.

My superpower seems to be my ability to eat vast quantities of baked goods. And, also, leaping over tall buildings in a single bound.

Marja said...

Wow I am flabbergasted oh mighty superpower

Heather Holden said...

*hee* There aren't many opportunities to crunch leaves where I live, so I don't really know how enjoyable that sound is... XD

Briane Pagel said...

I got a shudder when I read this. Sure, you seem like a nice guy NOW, but what happens when someone interrupts one of your experiments and you lose all your hair, or... how did the Penguin become the Penguin? Whatever, the point is, we are one misstep away from Supervillian Rusty Carl using his powers to deny the rest of us the joy of crushing crunchy leaves underfoot.

And what if you develop this power? You could tell which foot is necessary to give people a bigfoot or flat tire. YOU WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE. We'll all be reduced to cowering with our backs against walls in a leafless world.

I, for one, wish to extend a hearty welcome to my future overlord. Please consider this my application for henchman, or perhaps toady?