Wednesday, November 2, 2011

November Edition Insecure Writer's

The months keep whizzing right on by. Can't believe another month has gone by since the last post I've made as my part of The Insecure Writer's Support Group, as hosted by Alex J Cavanaugh (who by the way, saw his novel, CassaStar, hit the top 10 in space opera on Amazon last weekend. Good job, dude!).

This is always difficult for me, not because I don't feel insecure, but because I'm not sure I can articulate all that mess that is going on in my head and it come out in a way that the reader can understand. Well, there's that, and I can kind of be like that guy, the one that just broke up with his girlfriend and won't stop talking about it. I mean, at first you try to be supportive, you listen as he tells you about how much he cared for her, how she crapped all over him, how she was so awful when they were together. How much better it will be now that she's gone.

Then, the next day, he says the same thing. The second time through you kind of figure he just needs to get it out of his system, and you try your best to come up with a reason to leave. Then before you know it, it's been two weeks and every time you've seen or talked to the guy he's trying to corner you so he can complain about his crazy ex-girlfriend.

Well, I've been on both sides of that. I've been that guy who can't shut up,and I've been that guy who takes the long way to the bathroom at work because I'm avoiding that other guy.

So, now I'm here, given the freedom to talk about what I'm feeling insecure about. Well, in the immortal words of Dave Coverdale, "Here I go again."

No, wait. I don't want to go there again this month. What am I insecure about? Well, among other things. I'm afraid that I'm going to give up one day. I have a history of it. My rock star dreams, my artist dreams, even my photography dreams. I don't trust future me to want the same things that present day me wants.

I don't trust me to pursue my dreams. Again, I've gone to school to be a bible scholar, a biologist, an accountant, and have pursued none of those things. I dreamed of being an actor, but never auditioned for anything. I'm tired of obsessing over something new every 5 or 6 years. Dammit, I'm done with my wanderlust.

I'm a writer. I hope.

24 comments:

Gail said...

There is no shame in wearing many hats!

Melissa Bradley said...

I hear you. Sometimes we take many paths and give lots of different things a try. It helps us gain experiences, which makes our writing lots more interesting. That being said, I do struggle with how much I want my writing dream. Some days I feel detached from it. Especially when the bills come due, my day job paycheck is miniscule and my bank account is saying "you should have been an accountant."

Cindy said...

I'm sure if there was a list of top ten writer fears, giving up would be one of them. I've also done a few other things that I've given up on for one reason or another. Training horses was one of them.

Rogue Mutt said...

What's wrong with giving up? I always say if I could find something I were better at I'd go do that because it's not like I'm getting paid much to write. If no one is paying you and you're not passionate about it, then why bother doing it?

Rusty Webb said...

Gail - I'd be in big trouble if there were.

Melissa - I share that viewpoint. I should have picked a path when I was young and stuck to it. I'm getting to old to fiddle around with a thousand different things.

Cindy - You're probably right.

Rogue - If I didn't enjoy it I would quit. But my larger point is that it seems like every 6 or 7 years I decide to pursue something new. It's been about that long and I still like writing... dammit, I'm insecure. I'm venting.

Pk Hrezo said...

LOL. I second that emotion.
If I were to lose my passion over writing than screw it. I don't write for success, but it sure would be nice. I write because if I don't I think my brain would explode .. or maybe implode. As writers we tend to wallow in our emotions and self-pity. I like to remind myself there is so much more to life. SOmetimes, I just don't write. ;)

KH LeMoyne said...

I don't know if it has occurred to you, but you haven't actually given up until you've taken your last breath (which hopefully isn't for some long time to come).
So all those things before may, worst case, be in a holding pattern. Best case, they lay the groundwork for all yet to come. You're building. Consider yourself an incredible layer of experience!
~Kate

Charissa Weaks said...

Hi Rusty! Found you via Alex. And I know the feeling. I too am a jack of all trades, master of none. But writing has always been there...I just ignored it ;) I think that's why nothing else ever fit me just right. Maybe that's what's going on in your case...Maybe all those other things didn't work because writing is what fits you :)

Nancy said...

Everything you have done up to this point has built who you are now. Those things influence your thoughts, feelings and writing. You are a strong writer who I hope does not throw in the towel. I know, if you do, I will feel the world has lost quite an opportunity. Passion comes and goes,which I fear is the reason for our high divorce rate, what counts is commitment. You have stories to tell my friend and have barely tapped the keg. Write on and know that you are supported.

E. Arroyo said...

And...everything that you learned can be applied to your writing. Isn't that nice. =)

julie fedderson said...

Who says it's giving up? Perhaps all of those adventures were necessary to give you a foundation to write from. Would you be the same author had you not had those other experiences? I think focusing on one path is crap, at least it has been for me. My past me obviously had no idea what future me was like, and really, how do you know what you want to become at 20 or even 30? I did what I thought was responsible and practical--and now some days all I can think is that I have spent years nursing a career that has nothing to do with my dreams. If only I would have invested some of that time in a myriad of things perhaps I would have figured that out sooner and started writing seriously years ago. But better late than never. "Giving up" is just realizing what really fuels your needs.

And I bet if you sat David Coverdale down, he'd totally be over Tawny Kitaen by now.

Laila Knight said...

Rusty, a Bible Scholar, really? Heehee...okay, I know this isn't what your post is about. The only way you can fail is by not trying. I'm sure you sing around the house and you're a star for all the people who love you. As far as your writing career goes, you've got a novelette out there, and you're doing the NaNo thing, and you're still writing. You are a writer. I happen to know that when the bug bites you you're stuck with it for life. Have faith in your skill. :) But feel free to moan and groan about it often...it helps.

mooderino said...

It's always a waste of energy worrying about what may or may not happen, and yet completely impossible not to do it. Such is our lot.

mood
Moody Writing
@mooderino
The Funnily Enough

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Well, if you really need motivation, how about if I tell you I won't let you quit writing? Besides, if you think about it, you're still pursuing some of those things. Look at the awesome book covers you've created.
Our goals are always shifting, in part because we are always changing and in part because we lose sight of them.
If you don't trust you, trust God. Really trust Him. He will give you a passion you can't ignore.
Thanks, I think I have my post for Friday now!

Sara said...

I am interested in all the things too! It gets to be a problem because I overextend myself, like in a zillion different ways, then I get stressed then I loose focus, then I get overwhelmed, then I hide under my desk and eat ice cream, then I get up and do it...its a vicious cycle and the cleaning people are starting to complain about the ice cream stains.

I wish I could offer words of strength and wisdom, but that would be extreamly out of character for me. So instead, I will simply say. I majored in History, Political Science, Sociology, Anthropology, Liberal Arts, French and Creative Writing. ie, I've been there.

Andrew said...

Yeah, I remember that very first thing I wanted to be "when I grew up." I spent, oh, something like 7 years devoted to that thing and then found out I didn't enjoy the things I'd have to learn to do that thing. I don't view dropping that as giving up, though, just kind of a smart move. The second thing, though... well, that one I didn't pursue strongly enough and let it get away from me. I blame my parents.
heh
Anyway... Only you can know if you gave up or just moved on. Only you can know if, in giving up, it was the wise thing to do or if you were just being a coward.

The great thing about writing is that you can always just keep doing it... even if you move to other things, too.

Oh, and by the way, I've got the whole degree in religion thing, too.

Michael Offutt said...

You don't need to hope that you are a writer. You're a kick ass one. An example for others to look up to.

I appreciate you :)

farawayeyes said...

My personal philosophy is that although things may not be an 'active' part of my life right now, they are 'ever' a part of who I am. It's not so much about giving up on something,it's more about cutting your losses and moving on. Those things make you who you are today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows that will be.

If you truly love writing, you will not leave. Leave the fear behind and love what you do. Have some faith, hope and charity, but remember the greatest of these is LOVE. It's all you need.

M Pax said...

Wanderlust is great fodder for a writer. I have degrees I don't use, too. You're not alone there.

Susan Gourley said...

You are building a great base to support you in your career as a writer. All those other experiences are going to help you in your 'true' career.

L.G.Smith said...

Oh, man, you are SO a writer. It takes curiosity and wanderlust to gather enough experiences to have anything worth writing about. So says I. At least that's what I tell myself, since I have a similar history. :)

New follower!!

Tonja said...

It's difficult to stick with something that doesn't pay well and may never pay well unless you love it (and you don't need a lot of money). It seems like you love it.

Rusty Webb said...

Pk - I'm glad someone is on board with me.

KH - Thanks for stopping by. Good advice.

Charissa - I like to say I have a knowledge base that 6 miles wide and 6 inches deep. Which makes me a beast at Trivial Pursuit, not so good at anything else.

Nancy - I won't quit. Thanks so much for the kind words.

Arryo - Thanks, it does work out well.

Mood - It does come with the territory I suppose.

Andrew - True. Sage advice.

Michael - If I could frame any comment and hang it on my wall, it would be that one. Thank you.

Faraway - thanks.

M Pax - Thanks, good to know I'm not alone. Although you at least got the degrees, I just quit and moved on to other things before I got my degrees.

Susan - I sure hope so. I'd hate to think it was as for nothing.

LG - A kindred spirit. You are awesome.

Tonja- I do love it. I might complain if I make nothing from it, but I would still do it.

alberta ross said...

the wonderful thing about living is the endless and myrid aspects one can learn about, think about, dream about. When there is nothing except just exsisting then that is what one does - we are lucky to have choices. You're a gourmet, sampling all the delights out there on the table and every experience enriches - even if you did give up writing and hopefuly you wont - you yourself will be greater for the experience